my year of writing dangerously

Year endings often go by in a blur for me, but I’d feel non participatory if I didn’t reflect a bit and make some fresh resolutions.  I was talking with the hubs about an idea for a post.  Being the psychology nerd that I am, I was thinking about my personal growth this past year.  My meat and potato man told me that when he hears the words “personal growth” he just wants to gag, especially around the New Year.  Uh huh, I get that, good point.

But!  For kicks and giggles and because I desire to go through the cleansing fire of utter vulnerability, I will tell you about a few emotions I’ve experienced during 2013 that have stretched and twisted me until I was an uncomfortable pretzel of a person, going stale.  However uncomfortable, I did grow from these feelings.

Jealousy.  Yes, I am sharing this.  It’s real and ugly and may be the worst natural human emotion there is, or is that hate? or apathy?  No, longing must be the worst but jealousy is nasty.  It rips apart my security, throws blind spots up so I can’t see clearly, then drops me off in the middle of the road, during a hailstorm, naked.

Anxiety.  This emotion shrinks my soul and melts my brain into an impotent or robotic mess. 

Acceptance.  This is where my heart opens and my mind settles.  Breathing acceptance in and out, again and again is letting go, gently but not necessarily organically.  It's an effort.  It's choosing this instead of the overwhelming menu of the unsavory.

Personal growth isn’t just a pretty little feel good.  And I I couldn't have written about these emotions had I not felt, eventually, improved by them. 

Okaayyy…….

On the lighter side of resolutions, I want to remember to bring my reusable bags out of my car and into the stores.  I want to practice yoga so I can continue to untwist my pretzelly self physically, as well as mentally, and I want to embrace 2014 as my year of writing dangerously.

In the end, the hubs gave me two thumbs up for the post and encouraged me to share it.  I asked, "Why? It's so personal."  He said, "someone might relate, what if no one ever talked about uncomfortable things?" Uh huh, I get that, good point.

Happy New Year.