therapy runs

Therapy runs are the runs that are preceded by a fight with a family member or a sudden onset of concern. These runs go by faster than regular runs and your pace is likely to improve.  Therapy runs are completely engrossing, whether you are the "therapist runner" or the "peeved runner" in need of support.  Oftentimes, you won’t even remember the route you took.  All of a sudden, you’ve hit mile 5 and you feel like you are finally coming up for air.  Your breathing is less shallow and you realize the majority of your anger was left behind, stomped deep into the pavement of mile 3 and a half. 

The most important requirement for a therapist runner is she must listen well.  She must also believe in the healing powers of ranting as a necessary process of human development.  A therapist runner doesn’t care how many times a story is repeated and from how many different angles it is told.  In fact, the more perspectives the better as far as she is concerned.  Men need not apply for this position, this is woman's territory. (My husband argued I take this line out.  I saw his point, and this is my compromise).

The therapist runner must give advice prudently and understand the exact science of good timing.  As a general rule, she takes the side of the peeved runner.  The therapist runner must be willing to sacrifice “me time” during the run to help the peeved runner.  And she knows without a doubt, tomorrow the same sacrifice would be made for her.  In fact, the roles between therapist runner and peeved runner are interchangeable and reversals may happen many times within one run.  In a healthy therapy run relationship, the work feels mutually beneficial.

The therapist runner intuitively knows when to add her personal grievances to enhance the therapeutic work.  At the end of a successful therapy run (and they always are), the peeved runner feels clear headed.  She is moving forward, ready to forget the situation altogether, or she knows which important actions to take toward resolution.  The therapist runner feels satisfied with her work, pats herself on the back and is not surprised hours later when she gets a text saying, “Great run!  Thanks for listening today, it really helped.  You are the best! xo”  

Not every run is a therapy run.  Therapy runs have a unique energetic quality, and you never know when you are lacing up for one.  If you don't feel mentally prepared to be the therapist runner, don't worry, just listen and tell her she's got this.  She needs you running beside her, breathing it out and pounding it into the ground.

When you find a good therapy run partner, keep her! Buy her new mittens in the winter and surprise her with baked treats.  You do these things because you realize the relationship is an expansive one that goes far beyond miles.

Finally, The Golden Rule of Therapy Runs: 

WHAT IS SHARED ON A THERAPY RUN STAYS ON A THERAPY RUN!

something I never knew

One morning last week, my teenage daughter asked me to braid her ponytail in a special, new way.  It was just minutes before we needed to leave for school.  I bit my tongue instead of telling her we don’t have time for a braid.  I’m so glad I did because as soon as I ran the brush through her hair her whole body visibly relaxed, she exhaled and said, “Thanks Mom, there is something so comforting about you brushing my hair.”

It was a rich compliment to hear.  I thought about the thousands of times I have brushed her hair since she was a baby.  She was born with a full head of hair.  I’ve watched her fuss and resist this daily maintenance through the bathroom mirror for years.  I often felt like I was torturing her.  There were tangles that wouldn’t give then needed to be cut.  She was impatient when I blew her hair dry for special occasions.  I’d feel terrible, and drained sometimes.  I was tempted to give her a pixie haircut the way my Mom did for me (totally get it Mom!).  I never thought I was creating anything that would one day feel comforting. 

At this point in her life, I realize it is an honor to be asked to brush her hair.  She faces a battlefield of emotions everyday as a teenager.  To be invited into that sacred space with her is a gift.

The traditions from childhood can seem meaningless now that my kids are older.  But you never know what can feel like everything safe and pure to them.

warning, apology, I was in a mood

I’m grumpy.  Just grumpy.  My Christmas cards are sent (despite my weird anxiety-thank you Seinfeld nip slip episode), my kitchen is clean enough, my family is well and it’s even a good hair day.  But the licking sound from my gentle souled dog is annoying me, and who knew fish could make noise?  They are tapping their tanks.  When I get like this, I just want to hunker down beneath my bed sheets and ride it out.

Instead, tonight I decide to write.

Writing has been good for me lately.  I feel like I am shaping myself with words, typing myself whole.  I feel bold and transparent at the same time.  I’m emptying myself full, again and again.

Today is day three of my “no sugar till Christmas” plan.  The two boxes of Sees candy my husband brought home are taunting me from the other room.  I sit here with my green smoothie trying to fool my body with fruit sugar, but it’s giving me big time attitude the same way my kids do when I offer a banana for dessert.

Ironically, earlier today I was thinking about why we resist things that sound good.  For instance, the Target Red Card.  Why do so many people resist this?  5% off every purchase sounds really, really good.  One day, I was feeling trusting, informed and wise.  I took the leap.  I didn’t even mind that people were behind me in line because I imagined they were probably thinking I was quite brave.  I’ll get back to this later.

As I’m typing, I hear the movie Home Alone coming from the living room.  I am not going to resist this good movie moment with my son.

I’m back, he is on the ipad and it’s Home Alone 2. 

While I was up and about, I decided that resisting good things is silly, plus it’s Christmastime so I opened a box of Sees candy.  There was a bonus box of peppermint patties which are my favorite so I took it as a sign that my choice to not resist was the right one.  Well, the candies looked like they had travelled from Bhutan.  Shreds of chocolate fell out the sides as I opened the box.  Of course I ate it.  I was committed.

I checked my email before getting back to writing and I saw this message:  IMPORTANT INFORMATION FROM TARGET.  There has been a compromise in their Red Card security. 

It’s back under the bed sheets for me.

I am grateful for Chutney

In the flavor of Oprah’s favorite things, I’ve been thinking of my favorite things this holiday season.  Many of my favorite things aren’t actual things so it’s morphed into a gratitude list.

During this holiday season I’ve been grateful for…

Real emotions 

People are more anxious and/or down during the holidays.  I am not grateful for this fact, but I am grateful that people are more expressive about it.  It all just feels normal to me and I believe we are better able to support each other when we get real.

Charity night

Each of us donated a little something to a charity that was meaningful to us.  My daughter “adopted” a blue whale, my husband became “a friend” of the Yuba River, my son preserved a part of the Sierras and I provided two teddy bears to grieving children.  I am grateful for resources to do this.

The Great Laundry Treaty of 2013

My husband agreed to take over the laundry for the month of December because there is more on my plate this time of year.  So grateful for this new tradition.

Love Actually

The hubs and I had an impromptu date on the couch with a bowl of very buttery and salted popcorn.  I rarely sit for a movie at home, and rarely want to share from the same bowl of popcorn, so it felt special.

Waking up early

When I do, I light the Christmas tree while it’s still dark outside and quiet inside.

Gingerbread tiles from Rustic Bakery

I had a moment of deep gratitude when I realized I’ve been friends with certain people long enough to have our own holiday traditions.  One of these traditions involves delicious gingerbread tile cookies that are baked for Christmastime at our favorite bakery.  In the same way that some people get excited about the Pumpkin Spice latte, we get excited about gingerbread tiles. 

Starting a blog

I am grateful to express and learn about myself this way.

Sparkling Yerba Mate

This drink has magical powers and makes me really happy and productive!

My kid’s holiday concerts

These endearing concerts take place in a dingy public school gymnasium.  The focus is on the students and their music NOT how amazing the parents are at decorating, hosting and fundraising.  The real beauty, spirit and talent shines on the students brightly, just the way it should.

Chutney

Many, many years ago my newborn was in the hospital close to Christmas, in fact we were released on the 23^rd.  A friend of mine did the nicest, and most random thing.  I think of it every single year.  She left chutney, cream cheese and crackers at my doorstep with a note saying something like, “This is in case you want to bring something to a get together.”  Of course no one was expecting us to bring anything to a gathering, we were just surviving and certainly not worried about performance, but this little unique offering somehow made life feel normal.  I brought the chutney and my healing baby to the family gathering.  It was all a beautiful gift.

to be continued.....

Working Gals on the Shop

I was holiday shopping with two of my best girlfriends last week.  One of my friends was alone at the register making the daring purchase of a little black dress.  What I didn't hear was the saleslady asking little-black-dress friend if the three of us "worked" together.  




Outside the store, when little-black-dress friend told us about this exchange from the register counter, it stopped us in our tracks!  "She thought we worked?" my stunned friend asked, as if the question had taken her breath away.




In that moment, it was the greatest compliment we could've heard.  We are in our mid 40s and have been stay-at-moms since our late 20s and early 30s.  (I really don't feel like qualifying this statement by saying we wouldn't have it any other way and we feel very, very blessed, even though it's true.  It's just one of those statements that ties everything up with a neat little ribbon and it's more complex than that.)

We know what can happen to career at-home moms.  Some of us stop dressing like we use to because we have nowhere to go and no one to see.  We dress for ourselves, for our workplace, which involves a lot of dog hair and food stains.  And unfortunately, sometimes we get down if we don't feel connected to the pulse of the world.  We can feel suddenly unproductive and then become comfortable with being less productive, and then become disappointed that we are comfortable with being less productive.  We can feel lonely, or just plain tired, and it's reflected not only in our outfits but deep in our eyes. 

In our fantasy, my friends and I imagined she asked the question because we looked like we were pulled together and confident in our contributions to the world.  Maybe we looked smart.  Maybe we looked like we have that bond that happens when you spend so many hours of so many days with co-workers.  Maybe we looked capable and accomplished.  Maybe it was all because of the little black dress and all the places we would be going wearing a little black dress, like to the company work party!  

I recently had to decline an evite to an ornament exchange because of my husband's office party.  I'll admit that in my reply I said, "Thanks for the invite but I have a previous commitment to an office party that night, have fun!"  I didn't explain that it was my husband's office party.  I felt so important and in demand when I hit send.  But the joke was on me because it was my close friends going to the ornament exchange, and they know I don't have an office to go to and that I am a goober.

I admire working mothers every single day.  Not only because my Mom had a career as a teacher and managed to take care of 5 kids, but because every time I feel overwhelmed, I think, "SHE (working mothers) does this AND works all day. She does laundry, helps with homework, tends to sick kids, attends evening meeting, puts good grades on the refrigerator, picks up dry cleaning, cleans house, puts gas in the car, manages emotions, worries, works out, rsvps-and OH MY GOODNESS-the list goes on and on and on straight up into the heavens where I know it is all being noticed, and back.




These observations blow my mind and give me a good dose of perspective that my whiny attitude needs sometimes.




Whether a woman works because she wants to or has to, working women seem to have a pulse on the outside world and a pulse on the world inside their homes.  They probably don't get all of their news and information from their Facebook feed like I do. 




So when someone thinks this stay-at-home mom is a working mom, it feels like a compliment for sure.  




 P.S. Little-black-dress friend had buyers remorse and wanted to return the dress.  I bought it from her instead because I strongly felt it needed to stay in the family.  It is now The Sisterhood of the Traveling Little Black Dress.  Let me know if you need to borrow it.